How to Build a Hypochondriac

1. 
   

   Give them ready access to all the possible diseases known by science.

Along with access to the world’s diseases, it’s important to also provide gruesome detail on the potential risks of having certain diseases.

2. Put them in a society which benefits financially off fear.

Flood their TVs, smartphones, and computers with ads describing newly discovered diseases accompanied by (conveniently) a drug that will help to treat that disease. In crafting the advertisement, ensure that symptoms described by the actors and actresses are as broad as possible which will assist in scaring a wider audience.

3. Hide all natural remedies to cure disease.

Ensure that no governmental funding goes towards educating the population on eating healthy and exercising. These two imposters provide no benefit to the top line of pharmaceutical companies and must therefore be buried at all costs.

4. Forget the cause, focus on the symptoms

American does this beautifully well. The vast majority of diseases and symptoms derive from unhealthy eating and lack of exercise, and we have mastered the art of ignoring these two. Better to keep the focus on random ailments, and symptoms and ensure that the symptoms don’t go away by not treating the root cause.

5. Ensure no practice is done on stress management and relaxation

Worry and stress is a vital part of a well formulated hypochondriac, and without these emotions one might learn to relax and let the body heal itself.

We must focus on things such as that the body develops new cancer cells every day and for God’s sake ignore the fact that the body’s immune system successfully kills these cancers on a routine basis.

Long slow walks must be avoided. Meditation must be shunned, and as an added benefit, ensure that family and friends feed the concern by offering their own ill-informed opinions along with anecdotes about bad things that have happened to them or their friends.

6. Give them a suite of doctors with no training in nutrition or exercise

Exercise (the enemy of building a hypochondriac) boosts many chemicals that improve mood, the body’s mobility, and all around makes one feel healthy. Chemicals such as endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine all increase from exercise. This must be kept from common knowledge. These things are much better coming from a pill bottle picked up at the local pharmacy than from something horrifically natural like everyday movement.

7. Make it easy to have an unstable and unhealthy diet

Highly processed foods, refined carbs and sugar, and an ample amount of food grease are all good ways to inflame the body’s internal systems such as the gut and blood stream, which will in turn trigger the body’s stress hormones and engage the part of the brain which detects threats; warning us that we are under attack or dying.

8. Keep the mind idle as to provide ample time for worrying

If given enough to do in work or in life, the hypochondriac may forget about their ailments; possibly for long enough for the ailments to go away. Therefore, one must keep the subject sedentary with little to do but worry about their symptoms.

Wonderfully, with enough idle time, and with access to the world’s diseases (as prescribed in step 1) the hypochondriac will be able to discover even more ailments they might have.

9. Poor Sleep is a Must

Along with exercise and nutrition, good sleep day after day can restore the body and the mind naturally, curing both the symptoms as well as the worrying. To avoid this, ensure that subjects have advanced tools to provide poor sleep quality. Devices such as television and smartphones are great at shining blue light into subject’s eyes, disrupting their circadian rhythm, and confusing the brain on when it’s time to go to sleep.

Use these fabulous tools whenever possible.

10. Kill Multiple Birds with One Stone

The world has provided us with amazing ways we can implement many of these steps at the same time. A great example are the highly processed and highly caffeinated energy drinks infused with sugar, as well as ice cream shakes disguised as coffee such as vanilla lattes and cappuccinos. These drinks are not only good for ensuring poor sleep quality but also lead to immense blood sugar volatility which is a great way to invoke high emotions and further worrying.

When building your hypochondriac please use these steps with care and consideration. While using a few of these steps can still show positive effects, using all of them is best practice.

Fortunately, for those in America, there is ample access to all the tools laid out here and one should have no trouble in accomplishing any of these steps.

For those in other countries (particularly those with much more regulated food processing and advanced single payer healthcare systems) these steps may be harder to follow. Rest assured, though, U.S. corporations are working tirelessly to bring the same level of access to things like processed foods, drugs, and even sedentary lifestyles to other countries around the globe. Therefore, please be patient. In no time all the world should have everything it needs to turn us all into hypochondriacs!